GirlRobot's Pod - by Droniela

So, for a 2 and 1/2 weeks now I've been on antidepressants.

The whole story goes as follows, in (hopefully) simplified terms:

I've never really developed the habit of going out due to circunstances in my family. So while teenagers start to go out and skate and date and get in trouble, I didn't. I had a permanently sick mom and a very strict father so I was only allowed to leave the house to go to school or to run errands for my mom.

That started as early as 8 and lasted until I was 17, when I went to a full time school that gave me the experience and excuse to be out and about.

Soon after I started working, and I barely ever had any money to do anything, so stay at home I did.

When I started making enough money to do stuff, I was also doing 2 and 1/2 trips to and from work, so I didn't have the time, since I spent at least 5 hours a day in buses.

My transition allowed me a little bit more of leeway in the sense of going out and enjoying life but by the time I was getting the hang of being out, I married the biggest pulsating asshole to ever live and he kept me locked at home for 2 years.

Lol. Lmao.

Then I divorced him and was free, but full of trauma. And debt. Spent 2 years rebuilding my financial life and paying debt before I could finally start enjoying life out again.

Eventually, with all my debts paid, a lot of trauma processed and a nice salary, it seemed like I could finally get back on the horse! Go to kinky parties! Go on dates! Go to concerts!

Man, the future of my social life looked BRIGHT

...in february 2020.

Then *gesticulates wildly* all that happened.

I still haven't fully recovered from the isolation of the pandemic. Whatever little social interaction and reasons to leave the house went out of the window ever since, because I work from home.

THIS IS NOT A COMPLAINT. WORKING FROM HOME IS AWESOME.

But this comfort comes with the drawback of retreating from society if you aren't particularly careful with your habits.

And I certainly wasn't =V

I mean, I go to the gym, I do chores outside but I don't get to MEET people. It's like the minimum mandatory being outside, it's not really like I'm enjoying third spaces.

Then recently, after a lot of therapy, I decided to give "outside" a chance a little more effectively. I went clubbing once =D

But anxiety still gets me. And not only my personal history does not help with that, the reason why I had to do external errands for my mom was that she had panic, agoraphobia and social phobia, and wouldn't leave the house for like 20 years.

So there's also a genetic component there. And if there is something I learned from my parents is that I should not make the same mistakes they did. My mom was around my age when she stopped leaving the house altogether, and I refuse to succumb to the same fate.

Then when I had my next prescription filling apointment with the psychiatrist, I described my problem.

I can't be spontaneous

Everything has to be planned at least with a week in advance to prepare emotionally

Being in the company of others for too long drains me for weeks

I want to have a social life.

The diagnosis was social phobia and the prescription was antidepressants.

(I won't get into which or dosage because some weirdo on the internet might take my post as medical advice and I'm not here for that. Go talk to a psychiatrist.)

The adaptation period has been rough, though it is much more subdued at this moment. The only real bad thing that happened was that it fuuuuucked my sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and I just can't just go back to sleep, my mind racing. And not even like BAD racing, I'm not thinking bad things, I'm just thinking too much and too fast for someone trying to sleep.

I'm sleeping a little better now, so I'm back at the gym and I've been very productive at work, so we are almost through that.

The cool part is that it is doing wonders to my state of mind. I don't get pissed anymore. I don't get as anxious as a did about the future, or work, or college. I'm even doing college assignments without flipping my shit. It's been a very positive change.

But not only that, my back barely hurts anymore because I am not as tense as I usually am. I no longer feel "on hurry" for anything, I am just confident that things will happen when they have to happen.

I'm still not going out and meeting people because, as I mentioned, my sleep is fucked and I exhausted most of the time I am awake. Also I am too busy with work and college stuff, but I'm feeling some social improvement already.

I'm back at the server with my rubber friends and seeing them doing the things they do no longer cause me the pain of jealousy, it actually fills me with joy. And longing for the future when I'll be able to do stuff too, but without hurrying or feeling anxious.

I am, overall, feeling much "lighter", if that makes sense. No more overthinking, no more anxiety for no reason. I still have to work to achieve the social life I want, but I am confident I'll get there.

Social media, however, is out of the question, at least for the time being.

That shit was toxic for me. It was like I was living in enough fumes of a social life to not seek actualy social life, but dealing with tons os stress.

Maybe in the not-so-distant future when I have content to share again, but that is not sounding likely at this particular moment. I want to be able to do stuff for myself, for a while.